Lou S. | JEDI | Californicator |
I like girls and cookies
I'm an ASPIRING writer. Just a teenaged junkie with a fair amount of education and creativity
The minutes in a day come and go
Consuming once and once only
They come in little spurts
Never getting the chance to really know me
You see, me and time has history
Our constant collisions barely a mystery
Clearly evident
Fighting for glory but neither rendered eminent
It’s an ongoing, full out war
My heart and my will against destiny
A contest of survival not a prize guaranteed
Yet we’re clashing and destroying with no regard
Pulling and tugging that’s why we’ve never gotten far
Inch by inch we go
Falling into an unknown
That I eagerly embrace
Death is a promise and so with life I never hesitate
Because time can conquer at any moment she wish
My persistence the only thing that resists
Mercy is no power and by force is how I’ve over come
Time is a menace and I can never win if I run
And that’s why I fight
Because the essence of living is defiance
I defy logic and recreate my own science
Of living a philosophy of lesser value
And refusing to conform and just break through
Into a revolution of life’s intricate wonders
Instead of time’s hands subduing our lives with her numbers
Conjured creativity I got a pocket full of dreams
Nationwide negativity we ain’t as rich as we seem
We put our money where our mouth is
Talking shit and I don’t even know a thing about this
We got nothing left to lose, did we ever?
America, land of selfish endeavors
Land of the free, yeah but we chose bondage
I’ve been chasing shadows I’m feeling nauseous
I live in a nation founded in blood, resurrected from ashes
Cries of atonement paid back with back lashes
And colored tears washing out their wrongs
The pleading of the lands blurred into one song
One nation but unified only in violence
Voicing out for chaos but for change, complete silence
Indivisible but in the face of fear we divide
Dreams at war with chances, they collide
American – Dream, somehow the words mean everything but nothing
Cos all I see are Americans standing indifferent while dreams are lost and rotting
And everyone’s standing like really, who gives a fuck.
Hands full of money and really that’s all you got.
Not a dime in your pocket but enough pride to sky rocket
Winding down the wrong road and I don’t know if we got enough time to stop it.
And even a good head on your shoulders ain’t enough
Intelligence and eloquence for all it’s worth but you sold your soul just so you can drink it up
And say you had the money to buy it
Can’t change the past, what’s done is done can’t fight it.
We made our mistakes, must mean we can take the consequence
But we’re sitting here taking from those without like we ain’t got a conscious
It’s a shame.
I used to be love drunk
and now I’m painfully sober.
Sippin on the life that’s barely left over
and it’s always on my mind.
I live nights like everything’s okay, but by morning I realize
I’m not waking up to your eyes - anymore
It’s like the sun lost it’s shine
and I’m dwindling between the lines
of sanity and it’s opposite.
Fueled by your after effects, but I want all of it.
And all of you
and it ain’t cos I don’t know what to do.
I just don’t wanna do it.
I let you lead the way while I waded through the bullshit
I just can’t forget
but everyday I still remember
With all the cigarettes I’ve lit
you should be lost in the embers
but somehow you’re not.
Somehow you manage to resurrect and reconstruct
It’s like there is no escape
Fucked me over so many times it’s statutory heart rape
With nothing but nostalgia conceived
contractions break my body til’ there’s nothing to believe
no proof that there ever was
All that’s left are tears turned to dust
And so the story ends, where it should’ve began.
With us.
You can’t keep track of promises, you see they don’t ever last
it’s kinda like seeing the good old days and remembering it’s in the past
That’s the thing about any type of commitment
it’s like hoping to know the lyrics to a song that’s never been written.
It doesn’t make sense, but in it’s defense, it’s a product of people’s stupidity
give me a lie and i’ll add to the dictionary of what a promise means to me
absolutely nothing, i live in a cold world where nothings become somebodies
and the people who deserve to be recognized are De-categorized
forgotten at the bottom, like the dreams under my pillow
all cos they believed in what? a promise? if a promise where my husband I’d be a widow
but i don’t wanna be alone, and really who does?
all i want is a definite answer but at what cost?
another broken promise?
Dear loyalty when have you become dishonest?
Was it when I broke your heart for promiscuity?
you haven’t looked on both sides, oh baby look at what you do to me.
believe or disbelieve, the sides blur, what have we achieved?
seems as if i’ve made a reality where the truth and lies conceive.
a mismatched, disagreeing conclusion
I’ve had a lot on my mind with all all this bullshit
promises, promises, promises… promises
I’ve seen so many of them, can’t get rid of the nauseousness
the opinions slur, swaying stances
i’ve given so many chances
Love is a force propelling one towards another. A series of chapters, the beginning unknown and the ending lying within the appeal of infinity. It’s a gravitational pull between two hearts tied with the thin line of fate and sewn together with destiny. Refined and recreated to become one in the same. A process of becoming and begetting. A cycle of breaking down and building up. A chain reaction of a simple touch, a stolen breath, and the explosion of uncontainable passion. The release of a fire, consuming reason and intellect. It’s the trigger to impulsiveness. A key that unlocks the instinct to do what must be done to cherish and to protect. An irreversible symbiosis. A seal forged with a simple kiss and the endless spirals of a fingerprint. An instant of intimacy when a simple act disperses into millions of legacies and memories. The simplicity and diversity of human emotions and the capability to see through the human force field of outward appearance. An unfolding of the depths of keepsake insecurities and the admiration for the elegance of human flaws. It’s bliss at it’s finest. Being completely oblivious to the world and existing within one another. A priceless reality, where the setting of the sun is just another step into the horizon of beautiful uncertainty. An adventure seeking the rugged dirt path of trust and dependency. An exhilarating rush as the wind blows it’s fiercest and yet having no fear. Love is the simple acts of trusting, believing, wading, and taking the chance that the one in infinity will happen, to you.
My lifeline lies within this cigarette
I saw my past the other day, she tried to say we never met
So I looked ahead towards my future
And realized that my present is the only cure
For this cancer that offers no mercy
I asked god for a chance and instead he cursed me
With an uncontrollable desire for lust and hate
I watched in the mirror how the innocence began to dissipate
And with that they took everything I ever cared about
The creases of youth all straightened out
Pride became my father, desertion my mother
And I the forgotten daughter
Just a ghost even within her womb
Every breath in my lungs a poisonous fume
That took away as my life progressed
I met with the priest and he ran away before I can confess
The sins ive committed
Searched for my life’s purpose but none of the pieces ever fitted
I felt my courage crumble
Pride looked away and even still I haven’t been humbled
They say humility has a way of changing a person
Well I want that change
Silly of me to think that a set destiny could rearrange
Making It
Close my eyes, I feel the clock ticking
Reminding me life’s too short, yet I am still living
Is it right to call life a blessing?
it seems as if living is only for the benefit of reminiscing
No drive, just for the fact that I’m breathing
Call me an ingrate while the world dilates and thrives on my heartbeat
Call me selfish cos the things I do are through my conceit
Ever stopped to wonder about what’s beyond accomplishments?
Or are you just with the constant flow of your temperaments?
Cos one day you’re happy and the next you’ve given in
Yet you call me selfish but mine is the same as your sin
Just a different circumstance
I push forward for my happiness while you throw up your hands
It isn’t fair, that’s why they say life isn’t
Everybody can speak but it takes a real one to listen
Life’s cliché and so fucking persistent
Life may have a boundary but it doesn’t set my limits
And I’m not the type of person to let society define me
I run my own roads and let nothing confine me.
Cos time runs quickly
Gotta keep up on my feet before my future leaves me
Gasping for a second chance
It may only take a moment for me to lose my glance
Of my lifelong dream
I’ve worked too hard to see it all come down at the seams
I’m not with the people who sport two faces
I wear my identity proud and shameless.
With a smile to top it all of
May not be real all the time but it ain’t something to be scoffed
And I’m wondering if you hear me
Never asked for this God just kinda volunteered me
And I took it all from there
They asked me how I’ve made
but let’s just say destiny and I had an affair
I feel the passion coming off of you and inhale it as if it were my last breath. I can feel your heartbeat hammering against my breast and your eyelashes caressing my lips while yours are at work. I feel invulnerable, like you can see within me. Yet, I am unashamed. Your fingers undulate at my skin’s surface. Lapping at it in consistency. The intensity rises and falls with every breath between us. The distance closes in as our bodies collide into one. I can’t help but let my voice go astray. Gasps and moans run freely, twined with the curve of your tongue. Your skin is like velvet unfolding under my fingertips. The pressure builds up as control shatters under our lungs. The world melting away with each kiss.
My thoughts crash over me. Pushing, pulling, wanting to tear me apart. One voice. Speaking into my ears, echoing in my mind, growing like a cancerous tumor. Then I hear a thousand words being spoken, & I am incapable of deciphering even one. The wind blows my hair. Casting it into different directions, scattering the pieces I have pieced together. & I am at the beginning again. Constructing bits & pieces that will only be torn apart, again. She left a long time ago. Leaving me with the pandemonium of my memories. Every thought scrapes against the already worn walls of my head. I am helpless. My skull rests on my pillow, my tears at the corners of my eyes, my heart within the weak cells of my rib cage, my mind inside of this useless body. I am engulfed with the smoky haze of my thoughts, taking hits & drags. I swallow the over whelming pain, shot after shot. I inject myself with the toxin of the millions of tears I’ve cried, until I am entirely consumed.
I lay in my bed. Counting the moments of the night. Every inch the moon moves, every breath the clouds draw, every blade of grass swayed by the wind. I inscribe them into my mind.
I am alone in this world. The things of nature my friends. They are my brothers. I was chosen. Chosen to be their friend, their voice, and the connection to humans. I bridge the gap. Nature fulfills their vow while people have long forgotten. Only I remember. It is I whom the earth embraces. They love me and I them. I savor their presence. They nurture me. They have given me what no human ever has, what no human will ever give me.
Birthed from earth’s womb yet I am neither like my brothers nor my sisters. I am not a bird, a flower, a tree. I am like people. Sharing the shape of their bodies, their limbs, their face. Our eyes bear a likeness, our touch also the same. I look just as they do and still they reject me. Cursing me, wounding me with their hands, their eyes, and their words. I have done nothing wrong. My brethren, though I am different, love me. They do not turn away when I walk by. I am not harmed though they are capable of hurting me a thousand times more than people can. They respect me, they protect me, they care.
We share secrets. Just like the others who are alike in blood, like those of the same womb. I tell them every burden I bare. The waters whisper their anxiety, the flowers speak of their tiresome days, and the trees weep their fears. I comfort them all. I tell them stories where it is only they and I. I tell them the dreams I have. There is one I dream often.
I am the only human in that dream. Guardian to my brothers, my sisters, and my mother, their caretaker. We are alone in a world of our own, a kingdom of Aesthetics, I myself the lone protector. The animals don’t fear dying by the hands of mankind. The trees do not worry about being nurtured, don’t worry of being torn down. They forget the burden of producing oxygen in order for their murderers to survive. The sky no longer has to inhale mankind’s sin, and the sun. He is the happiest of them all. No longer is he filled with shame while he watches his beloved earth die by the hands of men. His heart doesn’t hold the same sadness it held when he watched men destroy themselves. They are all happy, healthy, and I proud to serve my purpose.
I spoke of these vivid images, the beautiful fantasy. The images floating in our heads until the moon took her place. We were lulled by the remarkable thoughts but then were rudely awakened.
Hope sank and then we remembered that was only a dream. We were left wishing and with heavy hearts we said our goodnights. We shut our eyes. Their eyes would remain closed but mine re-opened.
And I’d stay away at night, lying in my bed, counting the moments of the night. Every inch the moon moves, every breath the clouds draw, every blade of grass swayed by the wind. I inscribe them into my mind while my heart dreams.
Life’s burning off like a cigarette.
Blowing O’s with my shit.
It’s been a while since my feet have touched the ground.
A billion and one, count down.
My mind’s a big ocean, take a swim in it.
Screaming intensities thoughts infinite.
Running through falling rain
Washing out the constants always playing
Again and again, once more
I don’t know who there is to live for
Pride and insecurity coming at my direction
Ghost of the forgotten with my confession
Guilt stands silently at the corners
Casket laid ahead of me with a handful of mourners
Dearly beloved, gathering the pieces of indecision
Truth heavy on your tongue slicing with precision
Tug of war what’s wrong and right?
Can barely tell darkness from light
Can’t fucking breathe from down here
The worlds transparencies seen crystal clear
A fine line of neutrality
chaos licking angrily
I find myself at crossroads
Looking for the answers no one knows.
No clues, hints, just an empty horizon
Destiny a philosophy no one confides in
Life is the story waiting to be written
A run for the last words missing
I can take a pen and paper and write you a story
how we escaped death and went from glory to glory
something like a fairytale, with a touch of reality
with us as it’s heart, taking pride of vitality
And to look at what we’ve done and say that love never existed
I don’t think that a world could ever be where we coexisted
Cos I’m right, you’re wrong, or is it the other way around?
Here we go, we’re fighting again, we’ve finally hit the ground.
Rock bottom and yet there are no pieces to lift
lovers into strangers, i thought the saying was a myth
At least we made something come true
Love is a drug
And I guess Forever is the syringe we overused
Nostalgia an unmerciful cancer
Do you love me still?
I guess the question will never be answered.
And look at us now laying in a bed of our regrets
we promised to death, or did we forget
Our vow still stands along with the lies we’ve planted
emotions washed like dirt in the rain
while loves been taken for granted
I always thought that love was perfect
or was it just your face until i broke it’s surface
Or maybe I set my expectations over the limit
Maybe even neither of us were ready to commit
So we call the past our past, and paint over each other’s faces
Left the blanks to be filled and the questions wrongly abbreviated
Cos that’s all we ever did, was wrong
Here’s the story now, just read along.
So here’s to the people we used to be
To the love that was when you first kissed me.
To the love that now has come undone
And to the lies we’ve weaved and the truth we’ve hung.
